I legit flipped the fuck out about college and school yesterday and about how stressed I am and everything. Last night I had to pull another all nighter to study for an ek this morning, I think I did okay, but I’ll just have to find out later I guess. But because I was up all night again I was literally so cranky and exhausted that I just couldn’t wait to go home. By 7th period the math final was so fucking hard. When the bell finally rang I just wound up circling random ass answers because they were impossible.
What makes this so bizzare is I saw my friend tweet she was stuck between 2 schools she got accepted to and I responded “I wish I had that problem” and then I was complaining to my math classmates about going to NOVA and my drive home was just miserable. I sat in the car for a few extra minutes and when I scooped up my phone I saw a different friend tweet she got into CNU. After that I was like alright fuck it and I went to my mailbox. Of course, the day after I throw a fit on tumblr about schools and go through another shitty day, there’s a bright purple envelope from ECU waiting for me. I opened it right there, definitely expected rejection. Finallyyyyyyyyyyyy now I can breathe a little easier.
I started to get really heated reading my twitter feed tonight, so much so that I myself began tweeting little jabs about Obama and my own opinions, etc, etc.
Basically when it comes to politics I’ve always hated extremists. Those people who have bumper stickers like “pro-life” or the obama campaign sticker just get to me so much. Politics will FOREVER be a sore subject that will never be agreed upon by everyone so don’t go out of your way to start shit.
But basically, I found myself doing exactly what i fucking hate, and what I realized is I still see 2 sides to every arguement, I still value everyones viewpoints, and I still believe everyone has a right to whatever political party they want. I was getting so frustrated and caught up in people’s comments that I was going out of my way to basically fry Obama because I personally do not agree with him. And that’s just annoying and hypocritical.
I realized, I’m not mad if people want to choose a side, or favor a candidate. I finally concluded that I was getting frustrated because the people who were starting controversial tweets, had no idea what they were talking about….
I by NO means am a political mastermind. I’ve studied current events and politics since I was a freshman because i personally was interested and wanted to be ready to participate one day. I haven’t quite studied everything in depth but enough to form a few opinions on certain issues that I could logically and ethically defend while stating why I don’t agree with the opposing view. So naturally, I just want to see people back themselves up and actually know what the fuck they are saying instead of just jumping on the bandwagon and taking on whatever views they may hear in the media or from their parents.
I’m independent. I have no extreme views that puts me under the category of democrat or republican. Now when it comes to this current election campaign, I have my opinions but I researched for a long ass time to form them. ALL I WANT TO DO is emphasize the importance of voting and getting involved over who will be running our country when we’re all entering and leaving college. We have just about 10 months until the presidential election and the majority of our senior class will turn 18 and be old enough to vote this year. PLEASE study up on this stuff people, you’d be surprised how interesting it actually is and what you’ll actually discover you’re extremely opinionated about. It’s our generation that these candidates form most of their opinions for/about, so actually take advantage of this responsibility we’ve been given and do your research, pick a side, and fucking vote.
I’ve ranted like a psychopath about my stress level and i’ll chill now I just had to put those tweets up because my dad always tells me I exaggerate that every teacher i have sucks and that I’m just being lazy and not trying but it’s not just me if this many people are in deep shit right now, so YEAH. Lol my dad won’t even see this i’ll just do anything to prove a point.
not that i need evidence for my school rant a few posts below, but I'm about to upload some screen shots of tweets from my classmates that prove how badly our teachers have fucked us this week. if only teacher's knew wtf they put us through...
I just need to vent so badly right now and since i poured my fucking heart out on sunday with that letter to my friends i mean why the fuck not with this.
I am so unbelievably shocked at our school system right now. I am probably at the most unhealthy stress level it is ridiculous. Starting with physics, I truly do feel bad for Mr. Dimicco. He’s a total newb and literally no one listens to him. But the thing is, physics was everyone’s joke class this year, no one saw having a teacher straight out of college who was completely clueless and too nervous to actually teach something adequately coming. I know I kind of gave up early in that class, but I truly gave it an effort when we started. I swear we go from learning something easy, the next class he says we’re reviewing it, we come in it’s completely different, and by next week we’re having a test on something as easy as reading fucking chinese. Like, I know I’m not the only one too because everyone says this. To add to that bull shit, I get so fucking discouraged in school. I’ll give something a solid effort but if I really just can’t understand it and things continue to pile up I just space out and lose grip of what we’re doing completely. Which is what is happening now. I am literally, borderline failing, a non-honors, general physics class.
Then there’s topics. I literally am so fucking infuriated with our history department I’m completely beside myself. It is my own fault once again to be behind in remediation, BUT that’s only because I can’t follow Mr. Axelrod. I feel like he’s not really doing a good job at teaching us this material. The only history teacher to exceed my expectations and make me happy is Mr. Kane. But because I only learn with him, I have to go home everyday and listen to his podcasts and then take notes and try and understand. Seriously, there are only so many hours in a day. Not to mention because I am so behind i took adderall on Sunday to study for my first EK I was remediating. Literally awake and wired from 2pm sunday-4 pm Monday. DO THEY REALIZE what we go through for this shit?! I really hope I passed that thing it’s the first EK I took without cheating in a long time. But of course knowing Mr. Axelrod one little thing will be wrong and I’ll get a 4, ultimately fucking my topics grade all over again. I had this week all planned out for remediating only to get to topics at noon Monday to have them tell they’re fucking cutting off remediation on Wednesday. UHM EXCUSE ME?! How the fuck can you do that to us especially when there is no after-school remediation on Tuesday’s?! I’m struggling so much to cram this much work into one week which I know is completely my fault, but how the actual fuck do you just screw us all over like that?! Of course after telling us this we were handed back our paper 3’s. The ONLY essay I thought I kicked ass on got a fucking 7. A 7. That is fucking awful. This literally always happens, I’ll think I’m so prepared and I’m saying all the right things, but this god damn ib scale that dominates our school controls my essay to the point where even the tiniest details missing make me receive a grade equivalent to what someone earns when they’ve missed a week or two and have no clue what they’re talking about. I love history, I really do and I always have. But being put under this kind of ridiculous pressure for just one class is making me resent this course completely. Because that’s all school does. They teach you things, sometimes things you actually love learning, and then they shove a test in your face when they know it’s hard as fuck and if you don’t meet a certain level on the scale, you basically just suck. To top it all off, I tried to go remediate at learn today because of this new cut off date, but OF COURSE I made a commitment last week to be interviewed by the washington post at learn for this business article; a commitment i couldn’t get out of. So basically one of the few spaces of time I could’ve used to get work done wasn’t an option for me. Now, I have to go into school early tomorrow while the rest of Marshall sleeps in and go take another EK that I have all of 12 hours to review for. This isn’t fair. I can’t put it more simply than that. I’m pretty positive 90% of our class in topics has to remediate EK’s and essays multiple times. Is that not a fucking sign? That they’ve designed a test that is over challenging and time consuming for everyone? I literally gave up an entire night of sleep to take just one of them, and I won’t even find out if I passed it in time before report cards come out. I wish they could just give me a B. Topics grades don’t matter until 4th quarter, it’s all continuous, not averaged per quarter. I just need this for college. If I had more time I know I could pull through but now with this giant fuck up on my report card I really don’t know what will happen at this point.
My last class I’m fucking up in is Trig. I really bombed the first half of this quarter. I got really sick and missed some class time, plus my brother and my dad who usually help me were having a hard time remembering what we were doing, or finding the time to help me learn it. Not to mention Mrs. Foulis’s learn period’s are packed I would never be able to get the help I needed. And so after missing material that it seems like is impossible to learn from anyone builds up, coming to that class started to feel like once again, I was being taught something in a different language. On top of my stress level and Mrs. Foulis’s shitty attitude, I got so pissed off all the time and stopped giving that class a chance. At the end of our last unit I think we went on winter break. When we came back I was determined to focus and get my grade up. Fortunately, I was understanding everything and thought I’d start to get better. But with all this shit going on, having the first half of our final today, gave me no time to prepare whatsoever. The worst part is, it wasn’t even hard. I just didn’t review enough. And I truly cannot blame anyone but myself, which is why I had to bullshit a lot of that test. Who knows, I may have done pretty well on it, but as of right now, I’m overwhelmingly disappointed in myself and my work.
With this crappy ass week that I’m only two days into, I don’t know how to go up from here. Even though I slacked in certain areas in certain classes, I still at the very least got most of my homework in and turned in all my assignments. But due to some fucked up circumstances, I’ll be lucky to get away with no D’s or F’s on my report card. Which still makes me fucking sick. A report card covered in C’s (which is what it will most likely be) doesn’t represent my effort, my workload, or explain the last minute setbacks that have gone wrong. But of course no one cares. Not teachers, not my counselor, not colleges. They will judge me by a letter grade that makes me look like a complete slacker, without knowing me or my life. Colleges don’t know what we go through at home, with our families, with personal struggles. They don’t know, don’t care, and don’t understand. They look at you on a piece of paper, which shows you’re own academic skill level in 4 years then they compare it to someone who’s probably full IB or AP and then they just control your future with a yes, no, or maybe.
Again, I don’t think it’s fair.
It’s not fair that I’ve always naturally struggled in school since 1st grade regardless of how hard I try. It’s not fair I have to watch people who surround me with their full IB schedule complain that they have an A- when it should be an A. I have to watch and listen to people like this every single day. People who have even already received acceptance to one or more prestigious schools and yet continues to complain about something so stupid when they don’t realize how good they actually have it. Meanwhile i’m trying my absolute hardest which ultimately equates to just “average” no matter what I do. Trying so hard that I’ve reached the point where I go nights without sleeping just to prepare for one test that i MIGHT pass. I’m so slow in school, but it doesn’t mean I’m not trying. Like I’ve stated, it won’t matter.
It won’t matter to colleges that one of my biggest worries entering high school was not being able to figure out what I want to do with my life by the time I graduate. It won’t matter that one day I was sitting here and it all clicked and I was excited and thrilled to try and pursue public relations, something I ACTUALLY succeed in. It won’t matter that I’ve already held a job in an advertising office in this exact field, that I’ve taken a countless variety of honor marketing/business classes. Or that i was one of 7 juniors last year who qualified in time to be inducted into National Business Honor Society in Marshall’s first chapter, a reward that gave me purpose and recognition for working my ass off, something that a majority of my peers could not qualify for, and something that made me feel like on at least some level, I had achieved something they couldn’t. It won’t matter that I’ve written 3 quality business plans in less than 2 years, one of which i presented in DECA and received a score of 39/40, a score that although wasn’t good enough to continue competing, made me feel above satisfactory for the first time in high school. It won’t matter that I’m a 2 year DECA honor society member, or that I’m a 4 year FBLA member that earned a board position this year as head of marketing commitee. And it will not fucking matter to any of those god damn admission assholes, that i LITERALLY have put blood, sweat, tears, and focus into my business related activities and classes, given up hours of sleep and going out with my friends, taken on so much additional work to practice and maintain my understanding, and that I was finally passionate about something that I truly believe I excel in. And you know why all of this achievement that personally made me feel like I was good at something in high school and is a direct path into what I’m trying to study won’t be good enough? It’s because they may see a C in math, or a C in science. Or because my manual didn’t place at states. Or because my PR job was barely above minimum wage at small business and not an internship at a major company. Or because I may even have the same amount of extra curricular’s as someone else, but their GPA is a few tenths of a point higher. And that right there is why I’m throwing this fucking hissy fit. I know I’m not going to get into college now. And it’s all because admissions can tell you they don’t want you representing their school because even though all they saw were numbers, they disregarded how much harder it may be for you in school as a slow learner and bad test taker, ignored what you’ve actually been incredibly proud to put on your resume, overlooked that through academic struggles you continued to challenge yourself in at least some IB courses. Literally, nothing is ever good enough, because someone is always better than you are.
I’m so fucking sick of hearing about colleges. Everyone is getting into their dream schools, and I know a lot of them deserve it, but it’s just in my face 24/7. I am so sincerely happy for my best friends on their acceptances. But no one will ever understand how hard it’s been to be the first person in my family to apply to VT and get straight up denied. It was my dream school, and I know that. Everyone has had the same speech of oh they’re missing out, or oh you’re gonna rock wherever you go, or you don’t even know schools outside of VT because your family all went there. But that’s so not true. For a long time, I actually didn’t want to go there. It wasn’t until this year I really knew how badly I wanted to be a Hokie and that’s a feeling that doesn’t just happen when it’s not right. I’ve tried my best to accept that my number one school is so far, the only one to deny me. I’ve tried to ignore the fact that my entire school knew I loved VT and now has found out in some way or another I didn’t get in. I’ve tried to make jokes about it so it doesn’t have to be such a serious issue, and I’ve applied to so many other schools. But still. This doesn’t change the fact that I’ve never been so crushed in my entire life, that I felt like after 4 years of hard work, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve tried to keep my spirits up by seeing what schools I actually do get into because in a way it’s sort of exciting to be the one in my family who took a different path. But of course I cannot catch a fucking break. I’ve been deferred to JMU and accepted into the shitty little campus of Penn State instead of the main university. With everything there’s always that something. Not to mention GMU fucked up my app and I can’t even figure out what the deal is with that, and I haven’t heard from anywhere else. My fucking mother put convincing me to apply to radford on her to do list last weekend….like even she’s fucking worried, which really didn’t fucking help. I want to join in with my friends and share the feeling of knowing where you’re going to school. But every little thing is more and more discouraging and now I’m at a point where I literally have no clue where I’m going, or if I’m even getting in anywhere. If you read my letter to my friends and then read this, obviously only two days of school has completely ruined everything. I know this is such a fucking sob story pitty party but like I said I just needed to vent because this is 3 and a half months of build up. All I’m saying is I’ve pushed through a lot of shit. More than I even wrote about in this- surprising I know but this isn’t even all of my stress right now. All I want is to feel like I’ve sincerely accomplished something in high school and I love where I’m going when I walk across that stage at graduation.
As much as I just completely bitched, I really have grown to love high school. I wouldn’t make a complete asshole of myself in the marshall mob, made signs to support our teams, designed a project that devoted revamping our school’s spirit apparel, consistently made our class flags for spirit week, involved myself in a ridiculous amount of extra curricular’s, made our senior ladies shirts, etc, if I didn’t really love Marshall. Obviously that school isn’t perfect, we all know that. But I have defended it and fought to the death for it when it counted and supported/involved myself in so much in it’s success. I snuck out of my fucking house at 2 am with my best friends on a school night just to paint the rival’s rock only to wind up getting my car searched and grounded for 3 days. Basically what I’m getting at is I love Marshall, it’s been my home for 4 years, god only knows how many hours I’ve spent in that place. Tracing back to the beginning of this rant, I feel like the workload, teachers, and morale there has gone to complete shit when I needed it the most. I thought that after doing all this it would for lack of a better phrase, love me in return, and at least HELP a little bit with all of this stress. But of course not, because there’s a small group of people that can probably relate to this fucking book of a rant, and it’s just so fucking hard these days to keep coming back for a fresh ass kicking every single day. It’s starting to wear on my confidence when I’m at school, I literally don’t want people to look at me. You can see how fucking overworked I am if you just look at my face. 18 year old girls shouldn’t be getting wrinkles and shouldn’t have to deal with dark circles that are this bad…..I am completely burnt the fuck out but I have no choice but to suck it up and just keep going through this shit every.single.day.
Last night was my 18th birthday. My friend Brian had a party for me at his house which was a huge risk on his part; i’m so incredibly grateful he even offered to that for me. Thinking about it, I’ve known Brian since kindergarten, 13 years now. Additionally, there’s a small handful of friends I still have today that I’ve known for the same length of time. It’s crazy how you meet people through school, and regardless of ups and downs, who you stay friends with in the end is amazing to me.
My best girlfriends gave me some amazing presents and some of the most touching cards I have ever read. As we were getting ready in my best friend Kate’s house, another friend I’ve held for 6 years, I stopped and looked around. We always have a routine. We always get ready together before we go out, we always have classic jokes, we always make fun of each other, and we can almost always predict what the other person will wear. Something so simple, means the world to me. I looked at the girls and felt consumed with happiness.
These are the people that I’ve chosen to surround myself with, and what a crazy fucking group they are.
These are the people who have held me when I’ve cried, laughed with me, helped me and supported me, been there to catch me when I fall, and aren’t afraid to give me a verbal ass-kicking when I’m fucking up, and these are the people who have opened their homes to me, and made the struggle and stress of high school so much easier to get through.
As we moved on to Brian’s for the party, I was feeling amazing. Everyone gathered around the counter and I asked if everyone would do a birthday cake shot with me. Everyone poured one in their solo cup and as we raised our cups, they sang me happy birthday. Again, I stopped and admired the group standing in front of me. I had to blink and look away, as cheesey as it is, I wanted to cry. Once again, something so simple, made me so overwhelmingly happy.
To reiterate, these are the people I’ve grown with over the years. These are the people that love me, and that I couldn’t possibly love any more in return. These are the people that I’ve met in classes, joked with in the hallways, and eaten lunch with. These are the people who chose not to judge the things I’ve done, but instead accepted every piece of me.
As the night continued, everyone had a great time. We did shots in honor of my birthday, old memories, and to special friendships. Kate then started a game of “how well do you know ali?” and while only certain people knew very specific details of my life, it was so much fun to joke and reminisce.
During one of my favorite drinking games, the lights turned out. I had no idea what was going on until the glow of candles appeared around the corner. My best friend Christine was carrying my birthday cake in and immediately I was serenaded once again with “happy birthday”. I blew out my candles and then they shoved my face in my cake, hahhahaa should’ve seen it coming. Christine then asked me to read her card out loud, it was titled “18 reasons I love you” and every single reason was a hilarious inside joke or a character trait she loved about me that I didn’t even know I carried.
It’s strange to feel like a completely flawed person, only to discover it’s sometimes what people love about you the most, or they’re the things people are willing to overlook because they care about you. Gah, now i’m tearing up hahahaha.
As the night ended, concluding one of my definitely least-classiest nights, I stopped one more time and looked around. In that moment, I felt we were all untouchable, invincible, and inseparable. I will hold onto that feeling for the rest of my life.
The overall night was amazing, everyone who came there for me, will forever go into a category of family to me, I would die for my friends, they are some of the craziest, smartest, funniest, most unique group of individuals I could ever ask for.
I am completely blessed.
Again as I review my weekend, a friend in school Friday saw me carrying a ton of baked goods I’d been given for my birthday. He was taken aback at the cakes, cookies, cupcakes, and brownies overcrowding my desk and stopped and said “Wow, you have some reeaaally great friends.” I smiled and said, “yes, I really do.”
To conclude this overly sappy love letter to my friends, I just hope everyone who reads this stops and thinks. Think about who you’ve known, who you’ve met, who you consider a friend, a best friend, or just an acquaintance. You will be surprised how much you actually care about who you’ve let in your life, and who has let you into theirs.
Never EVER, take advantage of your friends. Appreciate every moment and every second you have with them, you never know what the future holds, and your actions and your effort is what will keep you and your family together.
Kate, Kacey, Janelle, Sharon, Yuri, Christine, Emma, Maddie, Becky, Cindy, Hallie you are my girls. The bond girls share with each other is something unique to that group. Boys may not understand the stupid antics we get into or why we feel the need to take group trips to the bathroom lol, but we get each other, and that’s what makes us who we are not only as individuals but as a group. Every group is different, but we’ve come together bonding over our similar sense of humor, fashion sense, hatred of certain teachers cough dimicco cough foulis what lol, opinions, and interests. I know I will never lose touch with this beautiful and strong group of girls I’ve loved over the years.
Annie and Arthur, I may be an over-stressed control freak that get on your guys’ case too much, but you have proven yourselves. You are phenomenal DECA partners, and great friends. Anus, I know i bullied you all week but you took it like a champ hahahahah, you always have opened your house to me…even when I end up breaking into it LOL, and even though you took my man in 7th grade…slut, ahahha you’ve been my teammate, my classmate, my DECA partner, and a really overall great friend. Arty McFarty! You’re a total ass, but it’s part of your charm hahaha. You’ve gone above and beyond in DECA and exceeding my expectations. Even though you love wing night more than deca -__- you’ve helped me out and really worked with me, I hope that your first real year in DECA we can be on that stage with a trophy…possibly in lime green blazers :0. Outside of DECA, I’ve laughed to the point of stomach pains with you and i hope you are LOVING your twitter. I trust my best friend in your hands and couldn’t approve more of your relationship, keep making her happy OR I KILL YOU.
Ryan, Brian, Ladan, since kindergarten yalllll we’re 13 years strong, and I hope for 13 more. I love you guys.
Jesse and Tyler, you are some of the best friends I’ve ever had, and to all the people who’ve said you can’t have a best friend who’s a guy, clearly will never understand a relationship like ours. Tyler you have been there for me through some of the hardest times, listened to me bitch, not been afraid to tell it like it is even if it completely owns me, and made me feel completely accepted on a level that most of the girls we know don’t get (no offense, ladies!) hahaaha. Jesse, you have this beautiful spirit, this attitude that equates to one of the smartest, most rational, and least judgmental and unique personalities I’ve been fortunate enough to know. You give everyone a chance, you’re open and honest, and you are truly an example to follow. Your quirky sense of humor is infectious, and I love you like a brother.
You all in one way or another have completely and utterly inspired me, and I hope I can make everyone’s lives and birthday’s as special as everyone worked to make mine. I appreciate EVERY memory, or in some cases lack thereof lol, I’ve had with this group, and I know you are all people I will never forget. Be proud of who you are, you all bring something different to the table, and I’ve adored and admired your qualities.
I will always put my friends first, you all are of the utmost importance and significance to me. Although I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, I believe the friends that find you, are in fact there for a reason.
I fucking love every single one of you, more than you will ever know. Thank you for last night, and thank you for our past, present, and future together.
“Best friends understand when you say forget it. Wait forever when you say just a minute. Stay when you say leave me alone. And open the door before you can say come in.”-Unknown